A window into Beckett

Saturday night I was feeling crummy because of a silly little friction burn I have on my elbow from our trip to a bounce house Tuesday which has turned into a whole ordeal involving an aisle worth of first aid supplies. Jeff was trying to watch the Syracuse-NC State basketball game on TV. We returned late from a birthday party down the street and everyone was sugared-out and tired. So bedtime wasn't going well. Both boys were getting up out of bed and generally goofing off, so Jeff had separated them by putting Beckett in the pack and play in the extra bedroom. Theo had calmed down and gone to sleep but Beckett was still revving up and crying in the PNP. I had been sitting out of the bedtime routine trying to tend to my wound, but Beckett started crying "Mommy, where are you? Mommy!" We didn't want Jeff to get undermined by my going in with a soft touch and letting him go back to his bed, but we didn't want him to be so upset, either. He got out of bed, ran into our room, sobbing and gasping. He wanted me to tuck him back into bed, not Daddy. He wouldn't come in for a hug or a squeeze, but insisted on standing next to us, both sitting on the floor, pulling my hand to make me come into his room, all while continuing to suck air as he cried. I just kept talking to him, saying "Mama and Dada love you." I asked him if he was scared when Daddy took him into the other room, and he said yes. I asked him if he thought Daddy was mad at him when he took him into the other room. He said yes. Daddy told Beckett that he was not mad at him, and that he loved him, over and over, as we sat down at his height. Finally Beckett let both of us bring him back into his room, give him kisses and hugs, and tuck him in.

I think Beckett is constantly looking for reassurance, confirmation that he is okay and that we still love him. He interprets any frustration or anger as directed at him, as meaning that we don't love him as much as we used to. He often asks us, when we are eating or doing something, "You like that cereal? You like that book?" When we say yes, he says Okay. It's like he wants to learn as much as he can about us, and wants so much to please us. His temper tantrums are so often about not feeling in control, not having mastered something, or being afraid he has made one of us mad. I suspect that he needs way more reassurance even than we give him. We have to try to remember to tell him always that we love him, that he is a good boy, that he is strong and brave and kind.